Collected from my Twitter. An assortment of ideas or headcanons that literally no one asked for and once you read them no, no returns accepted.

Tangents separated by: *********

If Zhongli went to Ningguang for advice on writing love letters, she'd show him the ones Beidou wrote her. They're vulgar & cheesy, clearly the sort of thing that'll dissuade a Fatui & nothing will come of it.

Instead, Childe who's humor is a mix of a serial unaliver & immature teenager, laughs so hard he cries at the dirty limericks. Beidou is very proud of Zhongli, & Xiao just wants to know why Zhongli never asked the Anemo Gremlin (Venti).

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your face is cute,
And your booty is, too."
This was the epitome of Zhongli's efforts. Beidou and Childe both agree, truly, romance isn't dead.

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Separately Zhongli and Childe are 100% competent, but whenever they're together they share a single brain cell.

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I like to think that the Zhongli/Tartaglia ship is both Zhongli & Childe discovering they're both demi & both are unable to compute. Like Zhongli just going to Ganyu, who has no idea he's Morax & he forgot because Childe has their single brain cell that day, & he's just like -

Z: Hey I wanna get down & dirty with an adorable killing machine & I've never felt this urge before what do?
G: ...what.
Z: .......I want to fu-
G: Look I must advise you to not get intimate with a killing machine for liability purposes, now please leave.

(This was before I was made aware that yes, Ganyu do know.)

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On Childe and Zhongli's first date, things start normal enough. It's when afterwards, when Childe is leading Zhongli down an alleyway quietly as he can that the date stops abiding by, "normal."

Childe's eyes glow in the night & his smile is devious. Zhongli watches him paint a very poor rendition of a d*ck on the wall.
Z: What are you doing?
C: Art. Your turn!
Thus, that night, many d*cks were painted upon Liyue's walls. Childe would often marvel at the detail Zhongli put into his. By morning, the two had parted, & Zhongli lay in his bed. It wasn't until the first scream of the Millelith that he could rest, relaxing knowing Liyue's people were still protected & that Childe was probably laughing. It was a good date.