Welcome to this house of cheats,

our prices are never beat!

For you sir a surprising lack of sleep,

I offer it to you cheap;

no more than a measly five

and I’ll throw in a failure of drive!


There you have it and sold

but I just took this off hold;

a bounty of ceaseless worry

that’ll leave your nerves a slurry!

It’s yours for an extra ten,

just sign here with my pen!


But what’s this upon my stage,

just a burning incandescent rage!

For twenty I guarantee you’ll stay pissed,

even after a lover’s kiss!

Ah but before you trundle,

I’ve got right here a bundle;

a romantic heart so broken,

it’ll make all your feelings oaken.


Thirty and five is my tally,

but to ward off any rally,

here’s a crappy job filled with stress,

with pay so good you can’t dream of less,

for forty I can throw in a crappy boss;

are the i’s all dotted and the t’s crossed?


Now it is my pleasure,

to introduce this lovely treasure:

one whopping sensation of being alone,

worse than you have ever known;

with such a delightfully harmful vise,

can you really give it a price?


I’m just hitting my prime;

just look at those numbers climb!

And I know you can afford all of it

even if you’d rather leave and quit;

c’mon we’ve got your mental health to kill

so just write your name on the fucking bill.