gyrotalon

2022-11-25 11:07:14 -

It was cold and painful, like no pain I had ever felt before. But even the physical pain was nowhere near as excruciating as the vast emptiness I felt as I slowly realized that I was no longer human; no longer myself. Mechanical augmentations are common now, but they were still more human than machine.

-

As for me…

Is the only thing that’s still human my mind?

And what if I lose my mind?

What will become of me then?

-

I’m afraid.

What if I lose even that?

What if I lose myself?

-

She’s waiting.

I’m afraid of _her_.

The one that lives inside my mind,

Waiting to take control

The moment I show enough weakness

For her to override what’s left of me.

-

I’ve lost to her before.

But you brought me back.

You and my brother.

-

Where is he now?

My dear older brother;

I caused so many problems for him.

I want to believe he’s still alive out there somewhere.

No, I have to believe it.

I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together otherwise.

-

I shouldn’t rely too much on him.

I can’t rely on only you, either.

But it’s so hard

To stand up on my own.

-

The other Angels of Clemency…

I wonder how they’re doing now.

It’s strange that I should miss them.

They made me feel like

Maybe

I had somewhere I belonged.

However, I cannot agree with their ideals or methods.

And I couldn’t get used to them calling me by that name.

_That name_…

It feels like it belongs to her, and not me.

-

I can’t go back to Astra Shelter.

I don’t want people to see me as a monster

Or look at me with pity.

-

Sometimes when I look in your eyes,

I can see that you too feel sorry for me.

And I wonder

If that’s the reason you stay by my side.

Out of a sense of responsibility…

I want to believe when you say that you’re here with me

Because we’re friends, partners,

People who are important to each other.

But do I really count… as “people”?

By now, you’ve known me in this form for longer

Than when I was still human.

-

I’ve always wanted to help others

That’s why I wanted to become a nurse.

So why is it that

I’m always the one receiving help from others?

Even now, after all this time…

-

As these thoughts swirled in my mind, I slowly fell asleep. How funny, that despite being mostly built of metal now, I still needed to rest. I was a little glad for it. It made me feel more alive, more human. As I slept, I had another dream.

-

We were at Astra Shelter again, back when I was still a naive and cheerful girl. We didn’t know each other for too long, but even back then, I felt like you were someone special. In the dream, we sat on the grassy fields and looked up at the stars. You held my hand, and smiled at me, telling me everything would be okay. The warmth of your hands holding mine… I wish I could feel them again.

-

I woke up.

I can’t cry.

But the tears won’t stop flowing.

Maybe I can allow myself this.

As long as no one else sees it,

Isn’t it fine to cry?

-

I can’t return to the past,

I have to keep moving forward.

I have to stay strong.

So that _she_ doesn’t take over

And hurt those who are dear to me.

I can’t allow myself to become a burden.

Especially not to you.

Because you have your own problems,

You have a lot more on your shoulders.

So many people rely on you now,

And I want to become someone you can rely on.

-

Perhaps, even if I can never feel your warmth again

I can use the strength I’ve gained to help you.

I can help you as much as you’ve helped me.

-

Maybe all the pain I’ve gone through…

Maybe… just maybe…

-
Everything was

Meant to be…?

It was cold and painful, like no pain I had ever felt before. But even the physical pain was nowhere near as excruciating as the vast emptiness I felt as I slowly realized that I was no longer human; no longer myself. Mechanical augmentations are common now, but they were still more human than machine. - As for me… Is the only thing that’s still human my mind? And what if I lose my mind? What will become of me then? - I’m afraid. What if I lose even that? What if I lose myself? - She’s waiting. I’m afraid of _her_. The one that lives inside my mind, Waiting to take control The moment I show enough weakness For her to override what’s left of me. - I’ve lost to her before. But you brought me back. You and my brother. - Where is he now? My dear older brother; I caused so many problems for him. I want to believe he’s still alive out there somewhere. No, I have to believe it. I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together otherwise. - I shouldn’t rely too much on him. I can’t rely on only you, either. But it’s so hard To stand up on my own. - The other Angels of Clemency… I wonder how they’re doing now. It’s strange that I should miss them. They made me feel like Maybe I had somewhere I belonged. However, I cannot agree with their ideals or methods. And I couldn’t get used to them calling me by that name. _That name_… It feels like it belongs to her, and not me. - I can’t go back to Astra Shelter. I don’t want people to see me as a monster Or look at me with pity. - Sometimes when I look in your eyes, I can see that you too feel sorry for me. And I wonder If that’s the reason you stay by my side. Out of a sense of responsibility… I want to believe when you say that you’re here with me Because we’re friends, partners, People who are important to each other. But do I really count… as “people”? By now, you’ve known me in this form for longer Than when I was still human. - I’ve always wanted to help others That’s why I wanted to become a nurse. So why is it that I’m always the one receiving help from others? Even now, after all this time… - As these thoughts swirled in my mind, I slowly fell asleep. How funny, that despite being mostly built of metal now, I still needed to rest. I was a little glad for it. It made me feel more alive, more human. As I slept, I had another dream. - We were at Astra Shelter again, back when I was still a naive and cheerful girl. We didn’t know each other for too long, but even back then, I felt like you were someone special. In the dream, we sat on the grassy fields and looked up at the stars. You held my hand, and smiled at me, telling me everything would be okay. The warmth of your hands holding mine… I wish I could feel them again. - I woke up. I can’t cry. But the tears won’t stop flowing. Maybe I can allow myself this. As long as no one else sees it, Isn’t it fine to cry? - I can’t return to the past, I have to keep moving forward. I have to stay strong. So that _she_ doesn’t take over And hurt those who are dear to me. I can’t allow myself to become a burden. Especially not to you. Because you have your own problems, You have a lot more on your shoulders. So many people rely on you now, And I want to become someone you can rely on. - Perhaps, even if I can never feel your warmth again I can use the strength I’ve gained to help you. I can help you as much as you’ve helped me. - Maybe all the pain I’ve gone through… Maybe… just maybe… - Everything was Meant to be…?

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